"Yo Fat Momma" Jokes and More!
- Great News for YOU men during these financially challenging times!
- We found a prostitute who charges by the inch.
- Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.
A fat woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!"
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the fat wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself, and she goes fucking nuts!!!
Women, I can't figure them out!.
A fat mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy
...not a fucking photo-copier."
A fat blonde and a fat brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.
"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."
The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."
"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"
Little kid catches his fat mom and fat dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "We are making you a little brother."
The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"
"I'm fed up with the excuses fat women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."
Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's fat wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
Which sexual position produces Fat ugly children?
Ask your mother.
How do you embarrass a Fat archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What's the difference between a fat bitch and a fat whore?
A fat whore sleeps with everybody at the party – a fat bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
What's the difference between fat love, true fat love and showing off fat?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
What's the difference between a fat Catholic wife and a fat Jewish wife?
A fat Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
What makes men chase fatwomen they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What is the biggest problem for a fat atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What do you call a fat Amish guy with his hand up a horse's @ss?
Who is the most popular fat guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular fat girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.
Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
The three words men hate to hear most during sex.
'Are you in?'
The three words fat women hate to hear most during sex.
'Honey, I'm home!'
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY...
There's a new study about women and how they feel about their asses;
the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world !
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,........... just because I'm a FAT blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your FAT ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
And then there is Judy. She has so many double chins she looks like she is staring at you over a pile of pancakes.
You are so fat you were baptized in Sea World.
You are so fat, you had your baby pictures taken by satellite.
Kelly is so fat, people jog around him for exercise.
Jim is so fat when they step on the scale it says, "No live stock please."
Yo momma's so fat she needs a VCR for a pager
Your mama's so fat that her belly button makes an echo
Yo momma's so fat her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard
Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or Meatloaf!"
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his
Dad bouncing up and down. The mother sees her son and quickly
dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad
doing?' The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big belly and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.' 'You're wasting your time,' said the boy. 'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled. 'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up.'
Yo mama's so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
Yo mama's so fat, you can pinch an inch on her forehead.
Yo mama's so fat, you could go swimming in her bra.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama's so fat, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747.
Yo mama's so fat, she has a greater gravitational attraction than a black hole.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show.
Yo mama's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry.
Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool-Aid Man."
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call her "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think its the school bus.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater people call her "Barney."
Yo mama is so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs, cover her feet like a blanket.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic.
Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World.
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in da ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"
Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her I have to slap her ass and ride the wave in.
Yo mama's so fat, they changed my Physics book to say "What goes up must come down, except Yo mama."
Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.
Yo mama's so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell.
Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses blanket as a washcloth.
Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy, Free Willy."
Yo mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps.
Yo mama's so fat, she plays pool with the planets.
Yo mama's so fat, she's taller lying down.
Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell down the stairs, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again .
Yo mama's so fat, they had to install speed bumps at the all-u-can-eat buffet.
Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn" sign.
You are so fat, you rented a 250-foot long limo, sat in the back and squished the poor driver.
You’re so fat, Goodyear wanted to fly you over the Superbowl.
you’re so fat, when you walked in front of the tv I missed three of my favorite tv shows…
You’re so fat, you have more chins than a Chinese phone book.
You’re so fat that when you went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.
You’re so fat, you take up three pages of your family tree.
You’re so fat, you need permit to roll over in bed!
You’re so fat, you could sell shade.
You’re so fat that when you step on the scales it says, “One person at a time please.”
He's the kind of fella that girls dream about at night -- it's better than seeing him in the light.
Looks aren't everything; in her case, they aren't anything.
He has a very sympathetic face. It has everyone's sympathy.
There's only one trouble with his face-- it shows!
He should join the Ku Klux Klan -- he would look a lot better with a hood over his head.
She's not exactly bad looking. There's just one little blemish between her ears-- her face.
She's had her face lifted so many times, she talks through her nose.
She looks like a million -- every year of it.
He has so many chins, you can't be sure of which one he's going to talk out of next.
Even her double chin has a double chin.
He has a face like a flower-- a cauliflower.
He has such a big mouth, he can sing a duet all by himself.
He goes to the dentist twice a year. Once for every tooth.
He has a Roman nose. It roams all over his face.
His teeth are like the Ten Commandments-- all broken.
His teeth are his own-- he just made the last payment on them.
She has so many wrinkles, she has to screw her hat on.
He has wavy hair-- it's waving goodbye.
Barbers don't charge him for cutting his hair-- they charge him for searching for it!
He has a nice head on his shoulders. But it would look better on a neck!
He takes vitamins A, B, C, D, E, F, and G, and still looks like H.
He has a big heart, and a stomach to match.
He's so fat, when he takes a shower his feet don't get wet!
She's a real Ooomph girl. When she sits on a sofa, it goes Ooomph!
She's so ugly, at a Christmas party they hung her and kissed the mistletoe!
She's a light eater. As soon as it gets light, she starts eating.
When she walked down the aisle with her groom, they had to walk single file
Fat Pig with Lipstick found!
Swine Flu After Affects Identified !
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young fat blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free! The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, big lady, why don't you go on and give it a try? The fat blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same "big" young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the "big" blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the "big" blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
Any similarity between you and human is purely coincidental.
Are you always that stupid or today is a special occasion?
Brains are not everything. In fact In case of you, they are nothing.
Don’t think, It may spray in your brain.
Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people’s hair.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they’re your equals.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I’d like to leave you with one thought, but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn’t say Hi to folk, I’d say BOO!
Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
In the dictionary under the word, “stupid,” it says, “see him.”
Is your name Amazon? You`re so wide at the mouth.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
You’re very smart. You have brains you never used.
Look, don’t go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you’ve got a palm.
Soap in the Shower !!!
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